What Am I If I Can't Be Yours?
by SolidTux
Summary: Heero actually shows his feelings for Relena, but he can't stay with her...
1. What Am I If I Can't Be Yours?

"What Am I If I Can't Be Yours?"  
by [SolidTux][1]

I entered the confined space and took a seat on the soft leather chair. My choice had been final: I had to leave far away and as soon as possible. This was the perfect time to leave. It was already deep in the night. Practically everyone was asleep during those hours, and those who were awake wouldn't try to stop me. 

I pressed the flashing red button before me, causing lights all over my confined area to power up; my gundam's systems were loading. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. I still couldn't believe that I was going to go through this. But, to keep Relena away from any danger, this was the only choice left for me to take. 

I took one final check on all the systems: everything was green. I pulled the leather straps in front of me and bucked them together, but before I was able to even pick up my helmet, I saw a figure standing before me, it was... Relena! Looking at her, I felt a chill surge throughout my body several times. 

"Heero, what are you doing?" she demanded to know, her facial expressions looked like she was either going to kill me or cry. 

I didn't say anything, instead I picked up my helmet and slid it on, pretending as if Relena wasn't there. 

"Heero, please tell me. What's going on?" she asked again. 

Looking into her eyes, I noticed them sparkle more than usual. My mind didn't tell me anything, but my heart told me she was in a great deal of pain. "Relena... I have to leave this place now. I won't be coming back," my words seemed to mean nothing to me. I couldn't feel sad, or anything else for that matter. 

Her facial expressions changed to a sadder look than before, "But why?" 

"Relena... it's time, I think, to tell you... I've been holding something back from you for so long." I wasn't going to tell her at all. It would be better off if I don't tell her. All I wanted to do was take her with me and run far away from everyone, but that look in her eyes made me tell her my actual reasons for leaving. "Something strange deep inside of me is happening... unlike anything I've ever felt before... if I stay around you any longer, your life could be in danger." 

"I don't care for my own life, I just want to be with you!" she yelled as a single tear ran down her pale cheek. Seeing this, I place my gloved hand gently on her cheek and stroked the tear away. 

"Relena... I may not be what I think I am..." 

"W-what do you mean by that?" she asked her expressions slightly changed to confused. 

"We... we're both from different worlds, Relena." I sighed and closed my eyes. "Don't try to understand it, just know that being with you will only cause you pain and danger." 

"I don't care!" she yelled brimming with tears. "Every breath that I take, I breathe if for you. How could I possibly face my life without you?" 

"Relena... I'm sorry, but I have to leave. I'm afraid there is nothing that could comfort us." I opened my eyes and looked back at Relena's. "I don't sleep. I don't feel a single thing. My senses... have all gone." I changed my expression, as if I was about to shed tears, then continued, "I can't even cry from the pain. I can't shed a single tear. I saddens me too, but we can't fulfill our dreams in this life." 

Faintly, but surely, Relena's only word was, "Heero..." 

"I have to let us break free, Relena." I closed my eyes and paused for a moment, taking a deep breath then letting it out. "I can never be what you need, but if there was a way through the hurt, then I'd find it. I'd take every blow with a smile; I'd fight it to the bitter end." 

"So then stay, Heero!" she cried out bitterly. 

"Relena... you should know more than anyone that if there was a way... I'd take it, but this is the one impossible dream to live..." I opened my eyes and looked at her again. 

"Then what am I, Heero, if I can't be yours?" Those words pierced through my heart like a bullet through butter. I slid my helmet off then tossed it aside, motioning with my hand for Relena to come closer. When she came, I pulled her closer to me and pressed my lips on hers and maneuvered them accordingly to the soft, delicate movement of her lips on mine. 

I broke apart from the kiss and gazed deeply into her eyes. "Good bye... Relena." I pushed her out of my gundam and closed its doors, sending Relena to drift slowly to the lower level from the low amount of gravity. I powered the boosters and set off into space immediately after. Then I noticed sparkles floating around in front of me. They were not only Relena's... but mine as well.

   [1]: mailto:darientuxedomask@hotmail.com



	2. I Am Nothing

"I Am Nothing"  
by [SolidTux][1]  
[Sequel to "What Am I If I Can't Be Yours?"] 

I sat at the seat of my gundam, firmly gripping the two handles at the sides of the seat in hopes that somehow it would help me get a grip of reality while drifting quietly through space.

What had happened? What did I do? Why...? I knew the answers to these questions. Relena's life was in danger, so I left to keep her away from any harm that becomes attracted while I'm around. My heart would probably never forgive me for it, but I did it all for her safety. I just can't stand the thought of having her in danger because of me.

I know I told myself before: I'd die a thousand deaths for her. Yes, death would be most easy, but to be blotted completely out of her life is so much different. I didn't expect it, but it hurts so much more than any number of deaths could ever hurt.

With a little more understanding of what I had done, I let go of the handles and let my arms go limp along with the rest of my body.

She's finally out of my life. Should I be laughing? Maybe I should. She's finally free from the dangers of having me around. I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore, but then again, maybe I should be crying. She's out of my life. The only wish I ever had was to be with her for the rest of my life, but that's just not possible. No. Not for me.

I opened my eyes and gazed at the screens that showed the serene stars. Silent and beautiful from a distance, but too bright to look at and noisy when you're near them.

How can I go on living? It hurts me constantly when I'm not around her, like my soul is being stabbed every moment.

I closed my eyes for a moment, letting what little tears I had left float around inside my helmet, watching as they floated around sparkling.

I should have told her back when I had the chance. "I love you." How hard is that? With just three simple words I could've poured my whole soul out to her, relieving the heavy burden of holding my thoughts in my heart, but I never did and I never will, it's too late for such a thing. But why didn't I tell her when I had the chance? Was I afraid of something? Yes, I was petrified. Those three simple words had scared me to death. I just couldn't possibly say them even though I practiced daily all the things that I could say. Line by line; every word. I kept believing that "today would be the day," but I'd always lose my nerve. I guess I was afraid of her reaction. I had no idea what she would do, say, or think after I told her. That very thought scared me to death.

I regained myself into reality and pushed on a sliding handle, making the verniers fire up and send me and my gundam deeper into space at a faster rate.

So why don't I just stop thinking about it? I did what I did for her safety. Staying with her is a danger to her life, but now that I'm gone, she'll be safe. But now what? What do I do now? I don't know. I'm completely lost now. Without her I am nothing.

   [1]: mailto:DarienTuxedoMask@hotmail.com



	3. Please Don't Forget Me

I don't own Gundam Wing nor it's characters, although I wish I did, but we can have everything in life now, can we? Anyway, I own only the fic. Well, this fic is Part III of the What Am I If I Can't Be Yours? series. I think I might continue this series for a very long time, but I don't know. Anyway, I have a message for the readers: "Appearances can be deceiving." *hint hint* Be sure to take that into consideration when you read this fic. You might even have to read other parts of the series to understand it, but it isn't necessary.

**Please Don't Forget Me**  
by [SolidTux][1]

Deadening silence was all around as I laid there in an open field on earth. Looking up at the peaceful, night sky, counting the stars though I knew I'd never finish, I realized it had already been around six months since I was last with Relena--it certainly didn't feel like six months though. Time seemed to have no meaning to me these past months. Ever since I left Relena, the only thing I'd be able to think about was her. Never again would there ever be a time when I didn't think of her.

Exhausted mentally from counting something that would never be completely completely by a human, I stopped counting the stars and closed my eyes, deep in thought. I remembered all the times when I threatened to kill Relena and all the times I ended up saving her life instead. Pretty ironic, but I somehow always knew that I'd never actually kill her when it came to be time to do so.

Again, I opened my eyes, but for a brief second. I stretched my arms out to my sides then shut my eyes once again, remembering the time Relena protected me from Duo that day a long time ago. She had her arms out the same way I have mine now and she stood right in front of me with Duo's gun aimed straight at me, blocking the path of the bullet that would hit me if fired. I really didn't know why she did it, I mean, I did try to kill her that day. Well, actually, I only pretended to try to kill her. I guess she must've known somehow that I'd never harm her.

Rested somewhat, I yawned a bit and I placed my hands on my face--each hand covering the respected half of my face. I remembered the time I tried to kill her during the ball. She walked into my room saying she was on my side and all. That confused me a bit, but then it didn't really matter. She told me that it would be a bad time for me to kill her then she asked for me to accompany her to the ball. This surprised me a bit, but I decided to accept. We were both still dressed in school uniform, though. Her dress wasn't ready yet, I believe, and I wasn't planning on going to the ball in the first place, so I didn't bother changing. Then at the dance... I remember it all too well: that sparkle in her eyes, the honey-sweet smile on her face. I wished that night would never end, but as life is: all things must pass.

Sighing, I covered my face with my hands yet again. I had forgotten the reason why I had left Relena in the first place. A few minutes later I remembered the reason I gave myself, but only the wording. _To protect her from me_. _But from what?_

Almost instantly my thought was interrupted by a sharp pain in my chest. I took my hands off my face with a great deal of pain then placed them firmly on my chest. The pain didn't go away. Instead, the pain seemed to be stealing all of my pleasant emotions, causing me shudder violently on the ground.

Burning with pain, I opened my eyes and looked at my chest and arms. No visible physical injuries. My went blank then drifted off as I remembered something. _To protect her from me. I may not be what I..._

Reality hit me right in the face with an iron hammer. I remembered why I had left Relena for a split-second, but for the next split-second my mind cleared completely. I sat upright and lowered my head, covering my face once more with my hands as tears raced down my cheeks. The pleasant emotions I was feelings sharply escaped my heart. All I felt was pain and anger. Painful past images flashed through my mind at rapid rates: the time when a part of a building was going to fall on Relena; the time when I feared she had been shot by a mobile suit when Oz attacked the Sanc Kingdom; the time when a carrier was going to crash into the car she was in; and other images such as those.

Images of pain didn't stop there. I started remembering times much more painful than those as I fell on my back, still with my hands covering my face, feeling my tears as they came. I started remembering the many times I was had the chance to confess to her but didn't. A strong chill passed through my entire body each time I remembered another chance thrown out the window of a shuttle in space in the middle of nowhere.

Now finally, the physical pain had stopped, but my emotional pain was still there. I wept bitterly and out loud, once again regretting that I never said the three simple words that would set my soul free. _I love you._

All covered in tears, I removed my hands from my face and looked up at the star-filled sky once more. _Some day, Relena, I'll return and tell you all. Until then, don't forget me._

_Please don't forget me._

   [1]: mailto:darientuxedomask@hotmail.com



End file.
